MMT in MK

Monkey Kettle Awards 2011 - Part One

2012-01-26T12:36:00.005Z

Our officially-stamped annual shout-out to what’s been the hottest of dishes in the previous calendar year... as voted for communally by some, most or all of the Monkey Kettle Crew. Take a deep breath and feel the love. Split over two parts this year to a) heighten the tension, and b) divvy up the Word Count.

(in alphabetical order by winner)

BEST MILTON KEYNES PLAY
“Art”: Sh*t Happens Productions
Always exciting to get a new name on the local theatre map, and though Sh*t Happens are not necessarily permanently based in MK, we were massively impressed to see their production of “Art” at Stantonbury in October. In fact, you can read exactly what I thought about it right here.

BEST MILTON KEYNES DRINKING ESTABLISHMENT
The Barn, Central MK
I suspect this may be a protest vote, but you can’t argue that it’s pleasantly quiet compared to some central drinking dens – plus it’s got a long Monkey Kettle / Ludamus pedigree!

BEST MILTON KEYNES RADIO SHOW
Basement Music – CRMK
Still the best show for local music despite some newer pretenders emerging in the field. Now with added Scott for double the fun!

BEST MILTON KEYNES MUSIC VENUE
The Craufurd Arms
A second year running for the Craufurd, though they were run close by runners-up The Watershed in Newport this time out. But you can’t argue with the sheer amount of quality bands they have on, including bands of a national standard. Great work kept up, especially in the current climate.

BEST MILTON KEYNES POETRY PERFORMER
Danni Antagonist
One of the things we dig the most at Monkey Kettle is seeing people we think are Good to begin with develop, improve, find their true inner voice and get Very Good. Step forward Mizz Antagonist – every time we’ve seen you in the last couple of years you’re better and better! Your set supporting John Hegley in Luton last Autumn was a particular treat!

BEST MILTON KEYNES FESTIVAL
Great Linford Waterside
I make that... (counts on fingers) 8 years out of the last 11! Man, they must be doing something right!

BEST MILTON KEYNES MUSIC PROMOTION
INDIEscreet
This is a pretty strong field, but the sheer amount of gigs that Indiescreet have managed to put on in the last year just about swung it for them ahead of the likes of Underpass at Craufurd and the Sno!Jam open mic. Attracting an excellent array of bands to the Sno!Bar, both national and local, they’re one of the busiest promotions in town.

BEST MILTON KEYNES ONE-OFF EVENT
“Lend Us Your Ears”: A WORD IN EDGEWAYS / PLANET ZYZ
As promised, this new category celebrates things that are ace which don’t easily fall under any other umbrella. For example the runners-up were the Parks Trust Cinema days and the frankly baffling Golden Hour of Neville Modley. And the winner was this sound-montage installation thing about Wolverton hosted at MADCAP, which was compelling and incredible. And this was what I said about it last March.

BEST MILTON KEYNES BAND / ARTIST
Lionsex
How could it be anyone else, really? Their success spiralling up in to the sky like a mighty whirlwind of rock, their album “Get It” was released by Universal Music in 2011 – yes, a real record label and everything! Despite their hugeness they were still nice enough to come and play a storming gig for us at the Slug in the Summer – the best of our gig gigs there. Rock on, fellas!

BEST MILTON KEYNES THEATRE COMPANY
Ludamus
And similarly, who else? In their 20th year we could all only stand and raise a solid salute to one of the quirkiest, most adventurous and best-kept secrets of the MK theatre world. Who else would come up with a comedy musical called “Carlos The Hapless Peasant Vs The Whirligig Of Time” and put a song about tanks in it? No one.

To Be Continued...

Going Underground - Wed Jan 18

2012-01-18T13:15:00.008Z

Of course, it may be that you’re wondering what’s happening in my actual life these days. Those distant friends who pretty much only look at the Blog to keep up-to-date with the personal and creative travails of the Monkey Kettle Massif™ are probably a bit sick and tired of all these endless lists, accounts of me pointlessly wandering around the redways, or huge generalised articles about stuff which never really reach a conclusion. “What’s actually GOING ON, Matty Boy?” I imagine them mutter beneath their breath as they scroll ever downwards looking for content.

Well, it’s 2012, that’s what’s happening. I’m caught mid-air as I leap from the trapeze of my mid-30s hoping that I can grab on safely to the opposite counter-swing of my late-30s. Me & the Mrs have been in our dusty flat for six years next month, and though we’re saving ever more constructively, we’re still not much nearer our idyllic home for kittens and books.

Obviously it’s not my place to be outlining the peaks, troughs, furrows and grooves of other people’s lives – so I won’t – but I can do a kind of an update on the world of Monkey Kettle Enterprises circa 2012. The magazine is still going… well, I won’t say strong, it never has, but it’s certainly still going! Issue # 37, due around Easter time, will be the first of a slightly new flavour – we’re keeping our commitment to publishing poetry and writing of all sorts, but shackling to that a good deal more articles and good old fashioned gonzo journalism about arts and life in Milton Keynes. Content for people who don’t like poetry, basically. Like a kind of collection of Blog entries, but on paper. Zzzzzeitgeist!

Music-wise, we’ve got some new projects on the go, of which more as they happen. With Martin’s ‘maternity leave’ from Vodka Boy spanning pretty much all of the first half of the year, I’m looking forward to a bit of space to do something different, though of course several of the usual things will continue unabated. The Dudebox Chronicle gigs in association with MADCAP are still happening – in fact, we’ve rather excitingly managed to finally get one of our favourite bands in MK to headline the next one, the fabulous Final Clearance (Friday 10th Feb, fact fans!). We’re also confirmed for our sixth consecutive Waterside Festival in June, and are determined to make this year’s Monkey Kettle Stage the rockingest, craziest, most memorable collection of music we’ve brought them yet!

Meanwhile we’re still a big part of the new music promotion “Down In The Cellar” at the Open University. Partly a spin-off from our previous promotion at the Slug, partly a new collaboration with the OU Club people to help drum up custom to keep the campus bars open, there’s an open mic once a month (second Friday) and a ‘gig gig’ once a month (fourth Friday).

It’s been a slow start, I’ll be honest – the first few nights did tend to centre very largely around such diverse acts as Phil Sky, YC Olie, Phil Sky & YC Olie, and of course feature-length sets from The Further Adventures Of Vodka Boy. But the open mic we hosted last Friday night was a much better class of night – acts we’d never seen before, and an audience that stuck around. The Cellar Bar even ran out of beer, which has got to be a good sign, right? So it may be a long way from our previous Theatre District base, but we’re sure there’s a large OU-based crowd just waiting to be tapped into. Oo-er.

Okay. That’s that. Next up – the Monkey Kettle Awards for 2011!! Finally! (sorry Phil, you've been very patient!)

Train Of Thought - Wed Jan 11

2012-01-11T12:24:00.004Z

Regular readers will know that it is an extremely laborious process for me to try and ascertain what I truly think about any great Issue Of The Day™. Partly cos I am by nature a reasonably apathetic character, and partly cos I am usually so liberal in my outlook that I tend to swing back and forth between polarised viewpoints depending on what I’m told, and ending up in the middle in the end anyway – cos that’s where swingers end up. Hotcha!

But here I am again anyway, back for more, trying to work out where I stand on the whole HS2 news story. It almost impacts on Milton Keynes, given that the proposed route passes just the other side of Buckingham… close to Stowe Gardens which we like, and right in the middle of Phil’s drive to work! Certainly there seem to have been plenty of people who live and work along that controversial diagonal line who are up in arms. Not to mention innumerable badgers and hedgehogs, I expect.

And maybe it was this very “up-in-arms”ness from the citizens of semi-rural Bucks, Northants, and Warwickshire which made my initial knee-jerk response “well, this sounds good! A futuristic speedy way of getting to t’North where there’s quite a few people and things I like that I don’t see often enough. Surely these objections are mainly coming from people whose homes and the peace of the villages are threatened.”

Because of course, it’s easy for me to not be outraged and be loosely in support of such a project when it’s not coming with a few hundred of yards of my house. Though I like to think – theoretically of course, eeeeasy when it’s theoretical – that I still wouldn’t be even if it was (if you can untangle that syntax!). Not for that reason, at any rate. In a similar example, a retired couple who are very dear to me live in the small almost-countryside-almost-MK estate of Haversham and have recently been on the edges of the local struggle to try and put up some wind turbines to help power our ever-expanding urban MK mega-site in a field nearby. Friends of the Earth, Greenpeace and some of the residents of Haversham (including said retired couple, and me!) think this sounds like a good idea. Other residents of Haversham screech loudly “N.I.M.B.Y.!”

So maybe it is that whiff of N.I.M.B.Y.ism that made me think HS2 must be a good idea off the bat. I don’t often have much truck with dyed-in-the-wool N.I.M.B.Y.s. But scratch a little deeper, and the landscape changes. (Har!)

Where do the reputable eco-bods stand on HS2, f’rinstance? Well, the Green Party think it hasn’t been fully thought through and that the vast sums of money could be spent on better, greener alternatives – or even massively improving the current system. Friends of the Earth echo those sentiments: “We need to revolutionise travel away from roads and planes, but pumping £32bn into high-speed travel for the wealthy few while ordinary commuters suffer is not the answer.” The BBC’s environment correspondent states “The government's own projections show it's not certain to reduce either flying or road use.” – which does beg the question as to why it’s going ahead at this stage then? Cynics comment here.

And yet… and yet – I could be having a pint in Manchester in, like, an hour! Hmm…

So as usual, I have flip-flopped back and forth on this like a mo’fo, and I’m only very slightly closer to having an opinion. Clearly I need to read more. Or… just throw up my hands and decide “well, if it’s happening it’s happening, maybe I don’t have the time to care”. God damn me.

Either way, by the time it’s actually running, I will be 51 years old. Flipping heck. That is a troubling thought. I totally know where I stand on that!

(looks sad)

101 Update (inc. N Y Eve Epic) - Tue Jan 3

2012-01-03T20:30:00.013Z

As December opened, I passed the one-third mark of the 1001 days. I am now into the Middle Act of the three. Criminy!

I totally ran out of time for #87 – Take A Fortnight Off From The Internet Every Year. It was always going to be an interesting one – one which I simultaneously yearned to be able to manage, but dreaded the practicality of. Maybe if I’d tried it over the summer it might have succeeded, but during the year’s closedown? What about all my blog lists? You’d have had a pretty dull December on here without me!

Still, I did cross off #53 – Turn On The House Phone And Leave It On Forever. Nice though the Chameleon phone was (cheers Brian!), it had two drawbacks. The intricate design of the receiver meant that the person on the other end couldn’t really hear you speaking, and more importantly you still didn’t know who it was ringing up. A cheapy BT phone with Caller ID has solved this particular problem. 0800 number? I’ll pass. Number Withheld? No, thanks, credit company. Nyah.

So – as 2011 ended, the official Scores On The Door were:

Totally Succeeded: 11
In Progress At Least: 51
Yet To Even Attempt: 32
Failed: 7

Which is good but not great. Having said that, I’ve managed to still not fail some of the biggies. F’rinstance, #71 – Set Foot In Every MK Estate Once A Year. Now, I will admit I left it late indeed to close down this one for 2011, a mistake I'm determined not to repeat. In fact, cos I’d been ill over the holidays, I ended up on New Year’s Eve with 6 estates still to visit and too proud / awkward to call for a friend with a car. To make matters worse, those 6 estates were pretty much as far away from each other as you can get in Milton Keynes! So here’s what I did:

9.09AM – got on the # 5 to the Lakes Estate, which seemed like the simplest way to access the newest estate in town: Newton Leys.

9.41AM – crossing over the railway and into apparent countryside, I reached Newton Leys. Remarkably, people do already live here, even though it’s way not finished:

9.53AM – gave up staggering around in the drizzle looking for the “Milton Keynes Boundary Walk” which was supposed to connect me up with the SW corner of MK. At every turn there seems to be a tall metal fence barring the way. Maybe there’s a way through to the west where they seem to be building another new estate in the middle of the countryside (Willow Lake)

10.22AM – Nope. No way through there either. Turned back to the Lakes Estate to go the long way round via the Blue Lagoon park.

10.54AM – After slip-sliding through a very muddy farmers’ field and coming out by some allotments, I made it to the heart of Far Bletchley, an area I really don’t know that well. But a vague sense of direction allowed me to stagger on towards my goal. Or at least a bench. Had still only ticked off one of the six estates I need.

11.21AM – On a bench, somewhere else in Far Bletchley, an epiphany. OMFG... I am so stupid! I have the internet on my goddamn phone, I could have been looking at a map hours ago!

11.36AM – Down past the Windmill Hill golf course, some baffling graffiti welcomes me to Snelshall East and I can tick that off too.

11.37AM – Not to mention Snelshall West.

12.09PM – After a long trek through Tattenhoe I reach Westcroft and the Morrisons mega-mall. My feet are killing me.

12.20PM – I miss the bus to Newport by seconds, but at least that gives me time to eat my sandwich.

12.39PM – On the # 2 towards the final three estates over Newport way. This is a lovely picturesque route through crazy estates like Oxley Park and Grange Farm. Also the bus is lovely and warm compared to outside.

1.18PM – Off the bus again at Blakelands. Tick. Ow. Ow ow. Head north.

1.27PM – Reach Redhouse Park, the totally opposite new estate at the other end of MK to Newton Leys. It is more finished.

1.30PM – Back down the other side of the road to Giffard Park, aaaand done. Done.

1.41PM – In a taxi from Giffard Park shops to home.

1.50PM – Home. Now let’s never speak of this again.

And yes, yes. Phew. It’s 2012. Off we go again. I guess I’d better think about changing the blog décor again like I do each Jan. And reset the Football Shirts too. (does)

Years, Nutshells, etc - Sat Dec 31

2011-12-31T17:01:00.003Z

And there you go. We’ve done it again. Made it through another barrage and survived to see the other side. (And long may that run continue!)

So... what will we remember 2011 for, when it comes to it? Charlie Sheen and his tiger blood? The riots of the summer, when London burned and I saw even the mean streets of Fishermead smoulder a little? The year the Premier League player called Matthew Taylor who I always wanted to join West Ham joined West Ham?

The year when the planet waved a final farewell to many figures, including Amy Winehouse, Pete Postlethwaite and Gary Speed? And a good riddance to Osama Bin Laden and just the other week Kim Jong-il. Regardless of whether, like me, you have some kind of hopelessly optimistic liberal faith in the sanctity of International Law (such as it is) which may still trouble me about the manner of the death of the former, I think we can all agree that neither will be missed as much as this dude.

Closer to home, maybe we’ll remember it as the year I got a smartphone. And was called a “hillbilly” by a man on a bike. These two things happened within a day of each other.

Vodka Boy played our 100^th gig – and typically of us it was one of our most pointless, least attended, who-gives-a-flip appearances of all those first 100 (supporting City By Dawn at short notice, upstairs at the Slug in June in front of pretty much no one). We also played at a wedding, which was much more fun! And then went on one last wee tour before Martin takes his maternity leave.

We did a Monkey Kettle-related exhibition at MADCAP this year too, curated by Diane back in January. Man, that seems like it was a few years back now, but no – 2011. Featuring (among other masterworks!) Phil’s tepee, MBS’ techno corner, and my own testament to our history and my monument to OCD: the woollen map of MK & MK.

And we did a Christmas album. Ludamus turned 20. Me, Simon, Lee and Danni did poetry at the Gallery again. I saddled myself with 101 tasks. Diane got a dog.

2011... The year it hailed at the Waterside? The year I officially gave up poetry? (for the foreseeable future, anyway. I don’t think anyone’ll miss it).

The year Rachel left to go and teach in China? The year MBS left MK and went back to Suffolk – which is definitely North of Milton Keynes? The year Grahame & Genevieve arrived and departed several times? The year Jim arrived in MK and explained to us how big cubes on the ceiling are good for studio recordings? 2011: International Year Of The Jim?

And so to 2012, and more questions. Will Milton Keynes receive city status? Will we get permission for a casino? Will the proposed developments to CMK get the green light despite the financial climate? You’ll hear it here first. Well... maybe fourth or fifth. If you hear it here at all. But you may! Ah yes, you may!

Rock on, warlocks! Thanks for tuning in!

MMTXXX

The Book Of Brilliant Things - Tue Dec 27

2011-12-27T19:29:00.006Z

Album Of The Year
The album I’ve listened to most – probably twice as much as any other! – is Laura Marling’s astonishingly good second album from last year: “I Speak Because I Can”. But my own self-imposed rules mean that can’t be it*, so it’s gonna have to be “Amanda Palmer Down Under”! Yeah, I know, quelle surprise etc etc.

Book Of The Year
See the footnote to above (displayed below*) for more comment on why I mysteriously don’t insist on my Book Of The Year having come out in 2011. But for those interested, it’s the reasonably recent “The Wire Re-up: The Guardian Guide to the Greatest TV Show Ever Made” (edited by Steve Busfield and Paul Owen) (2009) which Martin bought me – a total compendium of middle-class message-board enthusings about those currazy Baltimore characters transferred to hard copy. Sheeeeit.

Disappointment Of The Year
Not winning a single penny on the Lottery for the Monkey Kettle Syndicate. I thought it was supposed to be easy to win our millions? The Impossible Dream gets further and further away.

Event Of The Year
Ludamus turned 20. I don’t know if many people really appreciate the multi-faceted achievement which that vast span represents, and how much work from so many souls has gone into it over the years. But I do, and it has. I don’t want to live in a world without time-travelling pirates.

Film Of The Year
“Monsters” – released in UK cinemas December 2010 and still on release at the start of the year, not that I saw it in cinemas. But I did see it twice on DVD, and am quite a lot in love with it. Sci-fi so lo-fi it’s almost no-fi.

Foodstuff Of The Year
Beef Fillet with Glazed Shin and Crispy Ox Tongue. Yes. I am now a gourmand.

Gig Of The Year
I’m gonna go with The Criminal Minds at MADCAP in the Autumn. It wasn’t just the relief that we’d finally got an audience at a “Dudebox Chronicles” gig, it was the feel-good vibe of a long-long-overdue return by all-conquering heroes to a hometown audience that had missed them. And the fact I therefore got to see them for the first time, aged 36 and a half.

Hero Of The Year
I’ve discovered him late, but then lateness is all relative given the beauty of physics. It’s the Mark Owen of TV science, Professor Brian Cox. Bless him. Watching him is like watching Johnny Ball again, but for grown-ups!

Moment Of The Year
The biblical hailstorm, mid-set during the Disciples of Gonzo at the Waterside. The elements cannot stop the rock. We all know now not to let the winter in. Even in the summer.

Place Of The Year
Atop Greenwich Hill, at the Meridian line. Gazing out across the vast metropolis.

Play Of The Year
“Art”: Sh*t Happens. It was another good year for Theatre in MK, with Pepper’s Ghost as intriguing as ever, Ludamus reaching a milestone as described above, and Milton Keynes Theatre of Comedy continuing their excellent run of classic TV sitcom adaptations (with a “Return To Fawlty Towers” and “Blackadder The Third” to mention but the ones I saw). But although they may not be permanently based in MK, I enjoyed “Art” (featuring two of our most-loved ex-Ludamites) so much it’s them this year for me. Contemporary, fresh, well-located and funny.

Single Of The Year
I’m seriously questioning whether this category still has any relevance. Sure, bands do still release singles, but in a world where I listen to almost everything on random shuffle or via YouTube, almost everything is a ‘single’. Or maybe I just haven’t had a chance to listen to that many singles this year. I’m not a big downloader so I certainly haven’t bought any for years now. Do CD singles still even exist? Weirdly, the track I’m choosing – my favourite new song by any artist by a long way BTW! – wasn't officially a single, but does have a video. Gor bless Amanda Fucking Palmer – “In My Mind” describes exactly where my soul is at in 2011 so much better than I could myself.

TV Show Of The Year
You can’t really fault TV’s best new channel – Sky Atlantic – for the majority of their scheduling over the year, and I’ve had a hard time whittling my three favourites down to a winner. In the end though I think “Game Of Thrones” was enjoyably preposterous but the pace felt too hectic, and while David Simon’s “Treme” is an intriguing watch, it’s no “Wire”. So I’m going for “Boardwalk Empire”, seasons 1 and 2 of which have been on this year. An interesting angle to ye olde gangsters & intrigue plots, and stands the test of great TV drama for me in that I often find myself suddenly musing on the nuances of one or other of the various characters while supposedly going about my own business. And it’s got Steve Buscemi! (doffs hat)

Villain Of The Year
I didn’t think there would ever be a worse West Ham manager than the hapless Glenn Roeder, but Uncle Avram Grant managed it. Charisma-free and seemingly tactic-free, I find myself horrifically able to believe the fan site rumours that he was discovered by the coaching staff asleep at his desk at one point last season! Certainly he seemed to snooze his way right the way through to our meekest ever capitulation to relegation. And I’ve witnessed a few.

Website Of The Year
Amazon.co.uk. Yes. I am a directly contributing factor to the decline of the high street music shop. (looks sad)

* strangely these self-imposed rules apply STRICTLY for Albums & Tracks, REASONABLY STRICTLY for Films, and NOT STRICTLY AT ALL for Books. I wonder why. I suppose it’s rare that I buy a NEW Book in any calendar year.

2011 in Photos

2011-12-23T18:17:00.013Z

Blog Highlights 2011 - Sun Dec 18

2011-12-18T16:29:00.004Z

And so we move inexorably into the final stretch, the last frantic swirling of the Calendar Year as it drains down the plughole of time (as I understand Physics to work). Here’s some Blog Best Bits from the twelvemonth now fading...

What I Claimed I’d Do Then Didn’t
(MAN, I wish this wasn’t such an easy annual category to compile!)
“me & the missus are definitely hoping to be all moved by Easter. Next month we’ll have been in the penthouse flat for half a decade, and it’s high time to move on.”
Jan 2011. D’oh!

Transformers III: Quick Capsule Review
“though the plot was ripped off an old episode of the cartoon series and the script found on the floor of an alleyway somewhere, torn into tiny shreds and then sellotaped back together at random, I can’t argue that it was a visual spectacular!”
(http://mmtmk.blogspot.com/2011/08/101-update-fri-aug-12.html)

I Am A Curmudgeon
“Because this is a new building built in the 21st Century, some architect has felt the need to plaster some kind of blandly positive phrase along the length of the other wall – something about 'triumphing over yourself' or 'facilitating your own greatness' or some such durchfall.”
Bletchley Pool, January
(http://mmtmk.blogspot.com/2011/01/arriving-in-changing-village-tue-jan-11.html)

Weirdest Subject For A Blog Entry
Um... luminous pens! (shrugs in bewilderment)
(http://mmtmk.blogspot.com/2011/04/everything-is-illuminated-tue-apr-19.html)

So This Is What I DO With My Life
The Monkey Kettle Machine laid bare...
(http://mmtmk.blogspot.com/2011/08/think-tank-thinking-thu-aug-4.html)

Graffito Of The Year
“…across the giant support pillars of the road bridge someone has emblazoned the graffito: “No Tesco In Fenny”. Someone else has subsequently altered the last word. Can you guess what they have done?”
(http://mmtmk.blogspot.com/2011/11/ascent-tue-nov-1.html)

Weirdest Subject For A Blog Entry II
“To my mind, the greatest ever run of academic journal covers was “Educational Researcher” in the 1970s. By the time the 80s rolled around they’d lost the plot, resorting to unimaginative shots of university campuses and increasingly desperate promotion of their Annual Meetings, but throughout their 70s heyday every issue was an abstract masterpiece – ambiguous but thought-provoking. A diamond of variety amongst an unremittingly dull genre."
(http://mmtmk.blogspot.com/2011/09/blog-post.html)

The Moral Of The Story
“I’m not really sure what any of this is supposed to mean. I just thought it was a while since I’d done a blog entry, and all this came out. Maybe I just need a hug.”
(http://mmtmk.blogspot.com/2011/03/sunshine-toilet-hugs-mon-mar-7.html)

The REAL Moral Of The Story
“…the really pretty girl who got on the bus at the station and sat in front of me absolutely stank. Lovely to look at, but heady with the ingrained aroma of many days’ sweat. Feel free to piece any or all of these things together and come up with your own moral. I’m off to eat some Mexican cheese.”
(http://mmtmk.blogspot.com/2011/02/tattenhoe-park-mon-feb-14.html)

Junichi Inamoto - Mon Dec 12

2011-12-12T17:13:00.004Z

Prepare to be chop-smacked oh ye blog-hags... for the fifth successive year, the most popular football team in Milton Keynes (judged on scientifically counting the shirts I’ve seen) is...

ARSENAL

Uh-huh. There’s no getting away from it – our proximity to Lahndahn, especially Norf Lahndahn; and the stifling hegemony of the Top Four (Five, or Six maybe this year!) are the key points year after year. The only changes seem to come in the order of the rest of the Top Four (this year, 2. Man United, 3. Chelsea, 4. Liverpool as opposed to 2. Liverpool, 3. Chelsea, 4. Man United last year) and the rise or fall of their percentage of the total.

Arsenal’s score of 48 is 21% of the total, which means they’re back up again slightly on last year. The ‘Big Four’ between them this year scored a hefty 68% of the pie, exactly the same as last year. In fact, would you like to see the pie? Here:

Lower down the charts, MK Dons finished their traditional fifth (14 shirts, 6%), but that’s a drop from the 9% they managed last year. Having said that, I didn’t count any shirts I saw inside or surrounding stadium:MK – if I’d done that they’d have won by loads! Spurs have closed the gap from sixth to joint fifth (bah!), the rest of the top ten are Barcelona and West Ham as usual, this time joined by our near neighbours Northampton and for some inexplicable reason Aston Villa. Go figger!

I don’t know if it’s the Credit Crunch leading to yer average Joe Boulevard not being able to afford replica shirts, or the changeable weather, or the fact I didn’t do enough walking around this year, but the total number of shirts counted in 2011 was the lowest since records began: a meagre 227 compared to the record high (429 in 2008!). And over 200 of those were Brian!

And talking of Brian, let’s just have a look through some of his greatest hits this year... Adelaide United (Australia)... Hadjuk Split (Croatia)... Urawa Red Diamonds (Japan)... Simba Sports Club (Tanzania)... and many more! He’s a truly global sporting phenomenon – presumably next year we’ll be hearing from FC Antarctica? (imagines Brian on the internet within minutes, credit card in hand)

Goal!

T.A.G.G.I.N.G. - Sat Dec 10

2011-12-10T15:57:00.004Z

For those who set store in such things – i.e. Brian! – I’ve tallied up the Blog Tags for 2011 to see what the year has been about.

Traditionally I am the most tagged thing on the Blog in any one year, and this one has been no different (29 tags in ’11). But whatcha expect, innit. Blogs are self-centred outbursts online, why wouldn't I be my own primary concern?

Second place in previous years has traditionally gone to my main artistic outputs: Monkey Kettle in 2009, TFAO Vodka Boy in 2010. This year it would appear my most important creative output has been the 101 in 1001 project (11 tags). Hmmm. I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with that. Didn’t I used to be a creative writer? An artistic man about town? An incisive voice declaiming in the wilderness. Ah well. There’s another year just around the corner I expect.

Brian’s third. Well done Brian (10 tags). You’re higher up the charts than last year, but with less tags. I’ll leave you to decipher whether this is good news or bad news for you and your brain there, fella.

It’s been an uppy-downy kind of year all in all, a year where things have often felt upside down and out of order. A year where Crime received more tags than Art. Where Buses got more than Poetry. And where both Dinosaurs and Suggs got as many as Helen. Or maybe that’s just life...

And last but not least, the awards for ‘oddest tags’ of the year? Zanzibar, Optimism and Charlie Sheen. Yes. I hereby declare List Season™ open.

1. Matthew - 29

2. 101 in 1001 -11

3. Brian - 10

4. Diane - 8
4. Walking - 8

6. Monkey Kettle - 6
6. Phil - 6

8. Local bands - 5
8. Milton Keynes - 5

10. London - 4
10. TFAO Vodka Boy - 4

Tour Blog - Fri Dec 9

2011-12-09T16:29:00.006Z

I'm sure you know - it's been splashed all over the Music Press, TV, projected across the night sky like a huge Signal of Rock! - but we're on Tour at the moment. Not just Vodka Boy, "the Six-String Theory Tour" is a five-six-or-seven-headed beast also featuring the mighty talents of Seeking Salvation Through Love, the Phil Sky Experience and YC Olie... And occasional special guests too.

I was going to compile my thoughts on the tour so far when we reach Christmas, but Phil has helped me side-step that by setting up an Official Tour Blog for all the acts to use! So you can read all about our fun and frolics there instead! Encore!

Just in case you've missed them, here are the Tour Dates:

Wed 7th December: THE WATERSHED, Newport Pagnell
Sat 10th December: THE CARPENTERS ARMS, Cranfield
Fri 16th December: MADCAP, Wolverton
Sat 17th December: THE WHITE HORSE, Bedford
Fri 6th January: THE KINGS HEAD, Buckingham
Fri 20th January: THE STAR & GARTER, Silsoe (wherever that may be!)

And there's a Facebook Event as well if you dig that kind of thing.

Poke Scratchings - Mon Dec 5

2011-12-05T19:48:00.002Z

The electronic bus signs were out of order today. So instead of flashing expensively with their usual message of “Refer to timetables in bus stop”, they had been changed in order to flash expensively “This service is out of order. Please refer to timetables in bus stop”. Do you ever need proof that the world isn’t right? There it is, right there.

*

Likewise the current advertising campaign from Lottery scratchcards where they seem to be implying that the scratchcards would make ideal Christmas gifts. Let me tell you right now, if I received a scratchcard as a Christmas gift from anyone, it would provoke even a mild-mannered character like me into a fit of homicidal, tinsel-strangling gall the likes of which this town has never seen. You might as well hand someone an empty envelope and just say “happy Christmas. You didn’t win a present this year”. Though maybe that’s to do with the fact the Monkey Kettle Syndicate still hasn’t even won a tenner in nine months’ of playing the Lottery! What are the odds on that??

*

I’ve recently very much enjoyed reading the second volume of “Luton Haiku”, a compilation produced by the incredible people at Luton-based Clod Magazine. The magazine is engagingly bizarre, a mix of surreal articles, in-jokes, and edutainment (#22 has a special pull-out section on the subject of Symmetry!), while the book of Haiku (which I purchased when supporting Mr John Hegley at my last ever poetry gig, dontcherknow!) is fascinating. Possibly even more entertaining than the haiku are the little commentaries at the back of the book which explain the content to non-Lutonians. Hundreds of little poetic windows into a very different (but nearby) town. As usual, I wish I’d thought of it first, and now I can’t. A brilliant idea.

*

Okay then. So. Coming soon... it’s December, it’s Matthew, it must be... yes, it is! End Of Year List time!

(breaks out the party poppers)

The Earliest Walk - Tue Nov 22

2011-11-22T17:09:00.012Z

Not all Walks are about length. Some involve other kinds of endurance. Like the endurance of having to get up at 5am so you can be waiting outside for Diane to pick you up at 5.45am. At 5.45am, the world looks pretty much like this:

For our final Walk outing of 2011, we’d decided to visit the highest point in Buckinghamshire – which I’ve recently discovered to be Haddington Hill, the other side of Aylesbury and Tring – and watch the sun rise.

And so we set out in the pitch-black rain-soaked small hours, quite an extended team for once. Me, Diane, Bobbie and reliable old Sean The Sat Nav. The moon was a splinter in the miserable sky.

(and though that photo may not do it justice, don’t forget it was taken with a mobile phone through the window of a moving car and a head full of cold!)

About 40 minutes from home, Sean got us successfully to the brown road sign I was expecting at the bottom of Haddington Hill, but from there on we were thrown into a world of confusion and fear. Taking a left up the road which climbed towards the crest of the hill, we discovered that the mist was spookily thick up there in the darkness of the rural heights. Which is why we spent almost half an hour doing a total loop: round the top, along the ridge, down the other side, back round through the small town of Halton and back to the same turning again.

Signposting was a problem throughout, in fact. On our second pass we did find the turning for the car park – or what was supposed to be a car park! It was about five to seven, and there was a big gate arm thing across the entrance cos it wasn't open yet! Obviously not designed for dawn-watching, Haddington Hill!

Even then, once we’d parked up and proceeded round on foot, there was no obvious sign of a car park. Which was a problem, because that was the main thing I was looking for, knowing that the stone marker at the highest point was just off the car park up a path.

Still, we proceeded along the road looking for semiotic guidance, and at the same time enjoying the walk. Down to our right (west) we could see the lights of Halton beginning to emerge from the mist and the night. Later we even heard the confident shouts of morning drill at RAF Halton down in the same valley!

After a while we gave up on following the road to this possibly-non-existent car park, and at Diane’s instigation (of course!) hacked right up the steep climb to our left to reach the top of the ridge. Once there, we found a path which led into an open field, and elected to wait there for dawn. Mainly because it was so misty we couldn’t see much sign of it anyway, highest point or no highest point! [Update: when I checked on the OS map later it turns out that quite by chance that field does mark one of the highest points of the hill, so although the stone must have been further on along the signless road, we weren’t far off!]

The sky was definitely lighter now (what we could see of it anyway!), sunrise officially taking place at 7:34AM. We stood in the field drinking tea out of Diane’s thermos and watching the spectacular display. Um...

Then we walked back to the car, each of us thinking “I wonder if I could snatch another couple of hours in bed when I get home, before the rigours of the day?”

On the way back down and across the various back-roads of Beds, Bucks & Herts, I looked back and could see through the rear window that Haddington Hill and the surrounding heights are impressive. Not mountains, obviously, but clearly higher than The Brickhills (267 metres as opposed to our own 171 metres!). Lofty! Nice one.

101 Update - Mon Nov 21

2011-11-21T18:45:00.002Z

In the ‘Tao Of 101’, it is taught we must not be afraid to admit that some tasks are just beyond us. To concede gracious defeat and allow ourselves to fail without despair when we are truly bested by the immenseness of what we attempt. In some tasks, the attempt alone is enough.

Or, to put things another way, I just can't only have one lot of KFC a year (#62). It’s not fair. Game over, man. (clutches greasy bucket in grateful embrace) Why be so cruel to yourself, eh?

In more positive news, thanks to Brian and the fantastic people at Oxfam I managed this afternoon to nail down #48 – Somehow Get Rid Of All The Unsold Boxes Of Monkey Kettle Books. After a few months’ worth of negotiation, the Oxfam depot in Wymbush agreed to take the final 8 boxes (or 160 books if you’re counting) off my hands and try and make some kind of money from them. You could even argue that by doing this I’ve technically donated £1,600 of my own money to Oxfam*! I wouldn’t imagine they’ll sell them for Original Retail Value, though as Phil noticed the other day when I sent him the link to the book on Amazon (to read the reviews), there’s one stockist in Florida currently offering one at almost £75, so who knows??

Man... £75. And I don’t see penny one. Something’s not right somewhere. God-dang the untimely death of Next Century Books. (pouts)

* Which COULD come in handy for item #101, depending on how many of them I end up failing! Heh.

[ - ]

2011-11-15T11:41:00.000Z

Interesting. This story came creeping across my Inbox because the complainant is from Milton Keynes, but regardless of that it’s a worrying scenario generally. Or it would be, if I had an opinion on the matter. But I’m keeping way out of it. I can’t afford the court case either, unless Richard Dawkins is willing to help me out. And given the amount of his books I’ve bought over the years, maybe he should!

What’s next? The late Gerald Thomas, director of “Carry On Emmanuelle”, suing me because I’ve described his movie on Flixster as “excruciatingly awful, the worst film ever made by quite some distance”?

Stables Relationship - Wed Nov 9

2011-11-09T09:26:00.004Z

In the always-respected Monkey Kettle Awards, we have been recognising the category of “Best Milton Keynes Music Venue” since the inauguration of Awards in 2001. In that time, The Pitz has won the gong three times (and been runner-up once); MADCAP has won twice (and been runner-up twice – and it’s not even technically a music venue!); plus there’s been a smattering of gold medals for some of the high quality music nights in pubs over the decade: Zak’s; The Cannon; The Craufurd Arms etc etc.

In the entire ten years since we’ve been Awarding Awards, not once has The Stables ever even received so much as a runners’-up shout. And I’ve only just noticed! That’s a bit odd, isn’t it... so I was wondering why.

On paper, The Stables is brilliant – created by world-famous jazz musicians Johnny Dankworth and Cleo Laine in 1969, it’s never lost its name for celebrating music from the groovier end of the spectrum. And the venue itself is genuinely lovely – both the green surrounding environs and the vibe of the main auditorium... pleasingly intimate for a capacity of 450. I certainly daydream of playing there every time I go and see any concerts. That would be something.

But maybe our generation (okay, okay, and the one below if you're in that one!) feel like it’s somehow not for us. That it’s all a bit “Dadrock” yet. And that’s a fair point, though I’d argue that some Dadrock has its place in our rich rock heritage. (My Dad &) I have seen some beautiful, captivating and historical moments down in the Jim Marshall Auditorium over the years...

Blunstone & Argent, the main members of The Zombies* knocking “She’s Not There” out of the park. Neil Innes not only doing Bonzos classics like “Urban Spaceman”, but also throwing in songs from The Rutles! A broken but not defeated Peter Green finding his way through “Albatross” almost blindfold. Oh, man.

And finally, this very week, thelead singer of The Byrds, Roger McGuinn, performing “Eight Miles High” alone on an acoustic guitar – picking the intro with breathtakingly relentless speed, especially for a man of 69 who’s been ‘in the Rock n’ Roll’ since the late 50s!

I wouldn’t try and claim that every act who comes to The Stables is as vital a part of the development of modern music as these – cover bands on in the next few months for example include ‘Magic – A Kind Of Queen’, ‘Classic Clapton’, ‘T-Rextasy’ and, er, ‘Real Diamond’ (oooof!) – but they do have a diverse mix of elderly stalwarts, new up-and-coming Next Big Jazz Thingers, classical music etc. If you like that sort of thing.

And they do workshops – hey, there’s an “Introduction To The Harmonica” one! I wonder... – and other community stuff. And there’s evenings of spoken word – Simon Callow! Coming to talk about Charles Dickens in February! And comedians! Jack Dee! Russell Kane! Rich Hall! Cor, you don’t get that at “The Blacksmith’s Arms”!

Interesting too to see that although I broadly paint the Stables fare as “Dadrock”, there’s beginning to be a smattering of bands from ‘my era’ (which began in the late 80s / early 90s) turning up too – The Lightning Seeds, the continuing-to-tour members of The Beautiful South. Ulp.

So maybe the range of stuff on offer is not the issue at all. Maybe it’s the fact you probably need a car to get there. Maybe it’s the price – though actually those big comedians I mentioned are only £15... however as the bands get more ‘famous in the day’ the prices move up towards and through the £20-£30 bracket.

Still, I dig The Stables for what it is, even now. Probably because it’s the only venue in town where I’m regularly the youngest person there when I go! Get in! (punches air youthfully)

* I shouldn’t have to, but just in case I’ve provided full Wikipedia links to these important characters. Y’know, if Da Kidz aren’t even sure who Kenickie are in 2011, what chance do Fleetwood Mac got?

Black Ink & White Snow - Mon Nov 7

2011-11-07T10:26:00.002Z

There’s probably faults on both sides, but I honestly don’t think it should be mentally and physically possible for me to get round an exhibition at MK Gallery and be back out in the cold Autumn sunshine in under five minutes. The work should be thought-provoking, chin-stroking, stare-at-from-different-angles-to-get-all-the-nuances fare, and that should probably take at least twenty!

Actually it wasn’t till I got home and read the Exhibition Guide for Anna Barriball's current show that I really realised what was going on. That wasn’t just a red plastic bag taped to the wall... that was a white plastic bag that she’d painstakingly coloured red so thoroughly that it looked red. That wasn’t just a massive wall of beach windbreaks, that was a massive wall of beach windbreaks that she’d spent hours and hours altering with a black marker pen. The moral here: read the piece of paper in the Gallery. Just in case.

One aspect of the exhibition I did like straight away and didn't need to look up later was the series of old black & white photographs from (probably) the 1950s which each had an unsightly blot of black ink dropped onto them, obscuring detail and changing the impression. In fact, they brought to mind a more highbrow version of one of my favourite ever series of artworks: Mark G’s “family photos with marker-pen shades, afros and blackened teeth” period. I would pay good money to see those exhibited in a gallery, even to this day.

* * * * *

Talking of great art, Slava’s Snowshow was back in town last week, and an extended contingent of Monkey Kettlers went along to MK Theatre to join in the euphoria. It’s been just over 5 years since I last saw it, and the years haven’t dimmed it. Clowning, physical theatre, breathtaking effects, heartaching switches back and forth from comedy to tragedy, and a grand-stand finale where an entire auditorium gets to bounce planet-sized inflatable balls around until they get bored and go home.

It’s not every show you go to see at the Theatre which wraps you up in a gigantic cobweb and later blinds you with an intense blizzard. I was still finding ‘snow’ in my clothes for the rest of the night, even when I took my t-shirt off before bed. Now that's an experience. I hope it comes back again in 5 years’ time – little else in a theatre environment has ever made me feel so happy, so childishly enthusiastic, so captivated. Tru dat.

101 Update - Sat Nov 5

2011-11-05T08:16:00.007Z

Well, I had thought I’d been doing badly, partly due to the work of the Eyes Off The Ball Department… because with the 101 List, it always pays to be vigilant!:

#21. See 3 gigs by bands or acts that could be described as “among my favouritest bands ever”. I had to miss a gig by New Model Army (possibly my favouritest ever of all favourite ever bands) - playing at Northampton flipping Roadmenders no less! – cos it clashed with the launch of our new open mic night. Well, that and I only noticed it was even happening only a few days before it actually happened... What a dimwit! (signs up to ticket notification website immediately). And to make matters worse, Chumbawamba are playing in Luton in Nov and I can’t go to that either!

#92. Listen to the Top 20 NME Albums Of The Year for 2010 / 2011 / 2012. In fact I was about to congratulate myself in this entry for having now listened to all of the Top 10 for 2010 when I re-read the original list and spotted I’d actually challenged myself to listen to the Top 20! Focus, Matthew! (smacks self repeatedly on side of head)

But actually, having a look at the list again this week it’s not been too bad a month. I delivered three very big bags of old clothes, books and DVDs to Willen Hospice last week (#18, Reduce the amount of clutter I own) (which they were very pleased about!), and I’m not stopping there. Why would anyone need to own a couple of hundred CD singles from the 90s and 00s in this day and age?

Cathy’s been assisting me with #56 – Eat 50 foodstuffs I have never had before... in the last couple of weeks I have had some Halwa and some Membrillo. I wasn’t too sure about the Halwa, I’m not mad keen on sesame-y flavour, but the Membrillo was very nice! Tart, but pleasantly so!

And I actually managed to cross off: #39. Play some version of “Halo”! As it was the cheapest on Amazon, I bought “Halo 2”, and have begun to try and come to terms with it. Now, I must say early doors, that it’s not “Doom”. I’ve got to try and get to grips with using the keyboard and the mouse together, for a start. So far, the gameplay experience seems to consist of running around a spaceship with a bunch of my space marines colleagues who expertly pick off marauding aliens while I repeatedly bump into walls, rush past carefully secured vantage points and fail to climb any stairs. But I’ll persevere.

Meanwhile, in the Not Long Till The End Of The Year Department, we come again to #71. Visit Every Estate In MK Every Year. Quite apart from my recent Fenny adventure, Brian’s been helping me with this at lunchtimes sometimes when we need to get off campus. Have recently been to Greenleys with him, and for the first ever time to the exciting new development at Brooklands! Blimey! That’ll be worth a proper visit to check out come the Spring, I reckon!

Ticked off four of the last ones on a chilly walk on 17^th: Two Mile Ash > Wymbush > Bradwell Abbey > Bradwell. Only a few to go now. Didn’t see too much of interest on the walk, almost nothing worth reporting anyways. Though I had forgotten how exciting the tunnel between Bradwell Abbey and Bradwell looks all lit up:

and saw this inspiring piece of graffiti by the cricket pitch in Bradwell. Amen.

The Ascent - Tue Nov 1

2011-11-01T21:06:00.002Z

If you walk along Queensway in Bletchley and further on up into the centre of Fenny Stratford, it’s almost like you’re not in Milton Keynes at all. Though you are, whatever the locals may think. Check the maps if you don’t believe me. But that stretch, almost more than any other in town, feels like you could be anywhere in England, in any small grimy post-Victorian industrial sprawl. The outskirts of Bedford, Northampton, Worksop, Crewe. The roundabouts, open park land and redways feel like they’re more than a million miles away.

Yes, this is me. Ticking off more estates as the year counts down. Fenny Stratford, Fenny Lock. For me, one of the most pleasurable things I can conceive is somehow stumbling upon a stretch of rambling in MK that I have never before trod – and last week when I came to do this circuit I found just such an undiscovered land: the canal towpath north from the A5 at Fenny towards Simpson. Brilliant.

It contains the Actual Fenny Lock, which I had never ever seen before. I can scarcely believe such a thing is possible, but there you go. It’s a beautiful old-school lock with attendant cottages festooned with hanging baskets and pleasantly decorated exteriors, another million miles away from the dour industrial maze of Denbigh East behind it. There’s even a pub, the Red Lion, which looks like it could be a great place to hang out. I had literally no idea.

Further along the towpath the canal goes under the busy H10 at the same time as being above the Simpson road below it to the right. It’s quite a complicated interchange of travelways, and across the giant support pillars of the road bridge someone has emblazoned the graffito: “No Tesco In Fenny”. Someone else has subsequently altered the last word. Can you guess what they have done?

Halfway up the next stretch of towpath, I climbed up and crossed over a disused canal bridge to nowhere. Or, to be more accurate, a disused canal bridge which led to an overgrown path through some dense brambly bushes which eventually leads you out into the back of the Mount Farm industrial estate. From which you can catch the number 5 home again in time for brunch. Ch-ch ching ching!

Art (review) - Friday Oct 28

2011-10-28T12:49:00.002+01:00

So, come close and I’ll tell you why “Art”, the first MK show by theatre company Sh*t Happens Productions (featuring two local-boys-made-good and Ludamus alumni Chris Townsend n’ Graham Hill) – which we saw at Stantonbury Wednesday night – was very good. There are several important reasons.

First, the choice of play. It’s so refreshing, so laudable to see a company at a local level tackle something contemporary. It just doesn’t happen anywhere near enough for my liking. People are still writing plays in this day and age, y’know! Maybe it’s the cost of performance rights puts groups off, but how often do you see something from the last 15 years? Almost never. So that’s a gold star before they’d even begun.

Second, and probably most importantly, the acting. Obviously, we’ve seen Chris & Graham lots of times in the past, but this was the best I’ve seen either of them by a long chalk. You know something special is happening when by the end of a play you’ve forgotten that you know the actors and have begun to think of them as real characters. It’s a challenging play for actors – essentially three men arguing for an hour and a half – but all three (the third cast member Dan Phillips impressively also directing!) pulled it off, convincingly portraying Serge, Marc and Yvan as multi-layered and complex. The focus never wavered, the physicality never dropped. The huge number of lines never felt like they were lying heavy – in fact one of the highlights was Graham’s hyper-active delivery of a long monologue by Yvan which drew a round of applause from the enthusiastic audience at its end!

Thirdly, they played the comedy spot on (I particularly enjoyed the annoying laugh which Chris’ character Marc had developed!), which allowed for the affecting gear changes when something poignant happened. They were totally in control of the tricky pacing, switching back and forth between frantic bickering and sullen silences with ease. It’s not my favourite play ever – despite their best efforts and the original translation it’s still a little bit French (three blokes openly talking about art and their feelings? You wouldn’t get that round our manor!) for my taste – but it was a confident, touching and funny production. Good skills. Made me itch to get on stage again myself, and there's not many higher compliments I can think of than that.

Overall then, excitingly fresh work and I hope we see more of it. There’s definitely space on the MK theatrical landscape for this kind of thing, no one else is currently doing it, so I’m glad to hear Sh*t Happens are bringing their work back this way again in 2012. I dunno much about “Art”, but I know what I like. Blam!

[ - ]

2011-10-24T20:07:00.002+01:00

I tell what’s disappointing. Those electronic display bus stop boards. When were they brought in again? Two years ago, something like that? Well, what was the point? Apart from the one at the Agora and the ones actually inside the City Centre, I don’t know of any bus stops where they regularly work. Almost exclusively they flash expensively away with the advice “Refer To Timetable”. Ridiculous.

Still, on the bright side...

It's always pinkest just after the dawn, as the saying goes.

Autumnal Whingeing - Wed Oct 12

2011-10-12T15:19:00.003+01:00

It’s got that way again, hasn’t it? Have been so busy recently that the Blog has become a little tumbleweedy… but busy with what, I’m not sure I could define if you asked me. I certainly don’t seem to have much to show for it – or maybe this is how Real Life™ actually is, when it comes down to it. And is that… it can't be… is that motherflippin’ Christmas over there in the distance? Oh, where did that come from?

As often seems to occur to me at these pressureful moments, I’ve been wondering whether it’s worth keeping the Blog going. When it gets to about a week since the last entry, I start debating whether the ever-growing urge to make myself write something is symptomatic of it becoming like a job, a tiresome routine which keeps me from my real creative work. Whatever that is, these days.

But rest assured, Gentle Reader. We’re not going anywhere, the Blog and I. Where else am I going to post my end of year lists? Edited transcripts of my long walks around the surrounding countryside? Reviews of local plays I’ve written in order to get in free to see them? And yes yes, every once in a while some kind of half-insightful article about life in the Mirror City? (punches the air with a mighty fist)

It’s coming to the end of my fifth year of this Blog, wouldja believe? I still toy occasionally with the idea of somehow drawing together the best of those entries from the last half-decade into some kind of collected hard copy. Somehow printing the words onto something soft and pliable. Maybe bound sheets of paper, I dunno. I’m not sure what I’d call the format. But I can see it in my mind’s eye.

But even doing that would take time. And it’s time that seems to be the key factor, still. Making some time for myself being just the latest in the ongoing ramification of how many hours there are in a day and what I do with them.

I’m hoping this will ease. I’m only a couple of months now from the end of my self-delineated ‘four year term’ on the MADCAP Board. And I’m determined to draw a line under some of my ‘jack-of’ trades – for example, I can easily see this gig as one of the supports for John Hegley next week in Luton being my last poetry performance for a long long time (but what a great one to finish on!). But then again I’m starting to get excited about the prospect of “Allo Allo II” next Autumn already and am itching to get cracking on #89 – Write A Full Length Play, so I imagine 2012 will be every bit as piecemeal artistically as the last few years have been.

Perhaps the most frustrating thing is how difficult I find it to enjoy anything at the moment. Because even now I don’t see the point in doing something I’m not enjoying. And maybe if I can wrest back control of my days and nights a bit I’ll start enjoying the world a bit more. Oh, wah wah wah wah wah. Still… on the bright side, this can’t be my Official Mid-Life Crisis, cos I had that when I was 29. And then again when I was 31.

So, no real Blog content today – but why not play with this (http://primaxstudio.com/stuff/scale_of_universe/) which Cathy sent Brian who sent me? Proper makes you think innit.

Or, if you’re of a literary bent, why not take ten or fifteen minutes out and have a read of this (http://www.lrb.co.uk/v33/n15/alan-bennett/baffled-at-a-bookcase) – an absolutely superb article about Libraries from the legendary Alan Bennett. Oh yes.

See? There’s always something worth wading through the grumbles for.

(flicks V’s for Victory)

Five Exciting Things - Tue Oct 4

2011-10-04T16:28:00.005+01:00

I promised Brian at lunchtime I’d try and send him a list of five exciting things that had happened here while he’s been gallivanting in Zanzibar and the like. And then I thought “well, if they were THAT exciting I might as well tell him via the Blog, given that it’s been a bit starved of content recently.” And so here it is. I expect he had many more exciting things happen in East Africa, but hey – where’s his Blog, right? ;-)

5 Exciting Things From Out Of September

1 Me, Simon & Phil Went To A Rap Gig
Well, technically it wasn’t just a rap gig – in fact technically it was partly our own Monkey Kettle promotion. But to all intents and purposes (and not to detract from good sets by Dusque, Secret Screens and the ever-astounding Baron Makabre Band (!)) the third in the ‘Dudebox Chronicles’ gigs at MADCAP was all about the first MK gig in a decade and a half by local rap legends The Criminal Minds! When I was in Sixth Form, TCM were so big on the local scene that my mates who were into hip-hop used to wear their t-shirts and buy their 12” singles up at Our Price, so it was very exciting to finally see them in the flesh for the first time – and we weren’t disappointed! They were such a big name that we finally got an audience at a Dudebox gig, and as a result it was a really lively, feel-good set. One of the most enjoyable nights of local music I’ve had all year. Word to yo’ momma!

2. I Saw My Second 3-D Movie Ever
Namely “Fright Night 3-D”, for Diane’s birthday. And y’know what? It wasn’t at all bad. Not the schlock-fest I was expecting, more kind of teen-com – in a similar vein (arf!) to “The Lost Boys” if anything. During the trailers though, the 3-D wasn’t working. I didn’t realise that could happen. Some man had to go and tell the cinema it had gone wrong!

3. I Went To Luton
And while I was there I drank a load of mead and reminisced about the old days with my old mate Lee, bothered his next door neighbour at 3am, then went shopping the next day and bought a brilliant pair of beige cords in the Salvation Army shop and some red pesto. Smashing.

4. I Did FOH For MKTOC
Namely the latest instalment of their genius sales pitch – turn three episodes of a classic sitcom into a brilliant night of live theatre! This time out it was a triptych from Blackadder III (actually my favourite of the four series), and another hit with me. It even included my favourite ever episode of Blackadder, the one with Dr Johnson and the Romantic Poets (“come sir, bring out the Dictionary at once!” “bring it out sir, or in my passion I shall kill everyone in the place by giving them syphilis!”… splendid!). It may be right up my alley, but I genuinely enjoy seeing these faithful reproductions of TV standards brought to life. They’re back again in November with three tales from Steptoe & Son. MMT Recommends. And hey, look – they’re even talking about ‘Allo ‘Allo II on their site! (dusts off hair curlers)

5. Me, Diane & Bobbie Walked To Leighton Buzzard
But you know all about that already. On reflection not our most difficult of walks, but a useful way of breaking in the new member of the Long Walk team. Phil observed that it reads a bit like a ‘blog exec’ decided the dynamic of the Long Walks needed spicing up a bit to help the ratings – “what they need is a wacky dog thrust into the mix”! Spot on, dude!

So. Welcome back, B-ri! Let’s see what exciting things October might hold… together.

Leighton Buzzard Long Walk - Tue Sep 27

2011-09-27T19:29:00.001+01:00

(click)
MMT: 8.19AM, the nice bit of the Lakes Estate by the Canal. It’s Tuesday the twenty… seventh? Of Feb – February? (both laugh) September! And, er, this is our... medium long walk to Leighton Buzzard.
DH: There’s a strange stale smell in the air though, have you noticed that, like, a bit like clothes that haven’t been dried properly. (pause) No, you can’t smell it now, I’ll tell you next time it’s in the air.
MMT: Okay.
DH: Bobbie made it on the bus.
MMT: Yep, it’s Bobbie’s first walk. Diane, how’s it going for him so far, d’you reckon?
DH: Yep, he was a bit, er… bus was a bit crowded for him, and a bit –
MMT: - He was very brave on the bus though.
DH: - he was brave. And erm, the bus driver was a little bit… mental – he’s chasing geese!
(sound of Diane being dragged into the distance and Matthew chuckling)
(click)

(click)
MMT: 8.23AM, we’re just leaving Milton Keynes. Gonna go down the Canal for a little bit longer, and then… off into some… I dunno, countryside I guess.
DH: (to Bobbie) Not for doggies!
MMT: He’s keen on the ducks.
DH: Eh?
MMT: Keen on the ducks.
DH: Yep.
(click)

(click)
MMT: It’s 9AM, Stoke Hammond Lock. Stopped – I’ve stopped to take my jumper off, I’m getting warm.
DH: (distant) Bobbie! Come on!
MMT: Bobbie’s having some breakfast.
DH: (distant) Bobbie!
(click)

(click)
MMT: (out of breath) 9.26AM, we’re halfway up something called Partridge Hill, which is a slightly bigger hill than I was expecting… it to be.
DH: (to Bobbie) Hey, where are you?
MMT: Behind yer.
DH: Oh. (both laugh)
(click)

(click)
MMT: It’s 9.36, we’re the other side of – coming down the side of Partridge Hill, and the sun’s come out, and it’s a nice late Summer / early Autumn morning.
DH: It’s beautiful. We’ve seen loads of little mushrooms. Bobbie’s loving it. Little dew on the grass. All the cobwebs are dew-lit.
MMT: Still pretty early, isn’t it, as well?
DH: It is early, yeah. It feels later than it is because we’ve been walking so far.
MMT: Might be a scorcher!
(click)

(click)
MMT: 9.53, and we’re at the crossroads in the woods… and we’re gonna turn south, and head towards the small village of Rushmere.
(click)

(click)
MMT: (loud background sound of traffic) 11.11, we’re now in Leighton Buzzard. But when we stop, I’ll recap the whole story.
(click)

[NOTE: there are gaps in my Dictaphone record, but between 10 and 12 we got lost not once but twice! Only a ‘bit’ lost each time, but both times for at least half an hour. The first time we found ourselves in Heath & Reach rather than Rushmere, then – even after we’d already arrived in the outskirts of Leighton Buzzard itself we got lost in some woods trying to find a way across the Ouzel and the Canal to find the pub we were looking for to stop at. But despite all that, it was a pleasant walk, on the first hot day in ages – and cos we set off early we were done by lunchtime. Leighton Buzzard really isn’t all that far away. Though the women in the station was impressed! And I was glad not to have to walk back.]

(click)
MMT: 12.21, The Globe… Inn?
DH: Pub.
MMT: The Globe Pub.
DH: - might be The Globe Inn, yeah.
MMT: The Globe… Inn, Pub.
DH: Or just The Globe. [NOTE: It's the Globe Inn, and I'd really recommend it! They do a sumptuous cheeseburger!]
MMT: And suddenly everything doesn’t seem so bad.
DH: Mm.
MMT: Sittin’ in the sunshine, had a nice drink. That last hour-and-a-half has been a tricky – tricky old period of time.
DH: Yep.
MMT: Your thoughts.
DH: Eeeerm… yeah. A lot of going in the wrong direction, a lot of going in circles –
MMT: - our first ever proper circle –
DH: - first ever proper circle and back on ourselves. Erm, but – yeah, glad to be here, glad that there’s a sign for the town, and it’s only –
MMT: - oh, yeah, we’re only –
DH: - like quarter of a mile away –
MMT: - ten minute walk from the train station.
DH: Yep. Bobbie’s, ummm, looking tired, but still wandering around. Maybe we’ll have some food!
MMT: Yeah. I think so.
(click)

101 Update - Mon Sep 26

2011-09-26T18:52:00.002+01:00

During September, the 101 in 100 1 has passed a milestone – I am now over a quarter of the way through this ridiculous and imposing list of tasks! And with 88 items still on the clock to try and complete, it’s a timely warning that I need to pick up the pace a little bit!

Even though I’d already failed it, I was still (reasonably) religiously adding to my Take A Photo Every Day list on Flickr – though this month I discovered they’ve got some kind of limit where if you add more than 200 photos you can’t see the older ones. So I thought “stuff yourself, Flickr” and have finally finished that particular game. Though it really has been a nice way of documenting these last eight or nine months! Enjoy the variable visuals!

In Milton-Keynes-Estates news, fans of my travels – and of Brian getting tagged in my entries! – will be pleased to hear that him n’ me took a lunchtime trip to one of MK’s newest estates, industrial megasite Magna Park. It’s the first time I’d ever actually been within the boundaries, and although there’s not really much there (unless you count two gargantuan warehouses belonging to River Island and John Lewis – and some Turkish lorry drivers having their lunch sat by the side of the road!) I was still excited to officially visit somewhere new in town!

My “Eat 50 Food Stuffs I’ve Never Eaten Before” tally reached 12 when somebody at work brought some of this stuff back from a holiday in Turkey. As John at work put it, it’s a bit “like eating candy floss crossed with lamb’s wool”. Or dry and slightly caramel-flavoured asbestos. Also ate two sorts of fish I’d never had before: Coley and Brisling. I wouldn’t recommend them as highly as KFC for example, but they were okay.

Beautiful Geography - Mon Sep 19

2011-09-19T22:16:00.007+01:00

If you’ve got about an hour and forty minutes to spare, I really rather recommend mistaking the Arriva #70 service to Luton for the VT99 coach to Luton. Instead of knocking off the journey in a quick sprint down the M1, you get to see some incredible sights of the Bucks / Beds borderlands. If you’re able to fight the rising tide of frustration that you might be late for sausages at Lee’s house, this stretch of hitherto undiscovered scenery can be a real good treat. Mmm.

For example, how many pubs are there in the centre of Leighton Buzzard? I think I counted around ten, and I didn’t even see the one Vodka Boy played in that time. There may be more proper pubs in the small town centre than in the entirety of Milton Keynes! And then you’re on into more agricultural climes – at times almost akin to a bus ride through the Deep South... rusting tin sheds, razor wire on top of battered fences. Unidentifiable farm machinery. For some reason a muddy yard crammed full of old dilapidated red double decker buses. I can almost hear a sinister banjo being picked.

It’s been a pretty changeable couple of weeks all told, but I’m grasping for the positives. I was going to do you an entry all about how great the music promotion stuff was going, about how a man told me my lyrics ‘spoke to him, all about the debut gigs of the Phil Sky Experience, and about how a man of my vague acquaintance offered me a feel of his beard in the Sno!Bar toilets. But I don’t think I’m going to do that entry now.

On the way home from the Slug from probably the last music thing we will ever do there, Helen and I took a detour to one of the late night garages. She bought herself some dinner, and I bought myself one of the best things I have bought all year – the Official Milton Keynes Atlas 2011. Oh yes.

Up till now I’ve been using my battered old Milton Keynes 2001 Atlas for reference, which I’ve had so long it still has the label-maker labels we made in Marjoram Place on the cover, alerting the world to the fact that while “MATTHEW ROCKS”, “JAMES BUMS DOGS”. “But why do you need an Atlas at all, MMT?” the shrewder among you may pipe, “surely even if there ARE dark corners which aren’t imprinted on your incredible mind, there’s the Internet to guide you?”

Well, no. MK Council don’t currently use the official Atlas on their site, and while mkweb.co.uk do, it’s not the 2011 version. I don’t think it’s even the 2010 one. So the current most up to date map of the town I call home is this glossy purple gem I hold here in my hands*. So unless you have this Atlas (or access to it), you don’t even know about the Official Newest Estates to be added to the Milton Keynes roll-call... the new numbers on the lists.

So, welcome. Welcome to MK, Stantonbury Park. Welcome, Redhouse Park. I have trod some of your paths before, you two new ‘estates beyond the North wall’, but I shall return there soon.

Welcome Newton Leys – you snuck up almost out of nowhere way down beyond the Lakes Estate. I’ll be down to have a look at you soon. Welcome to Broughton Gate and to Magna Park, though in reality you have been here a while already. And in between you, welcome also to Brooklands. Confusingly all three of you seem to be half in, half out of the confines of MK, though I think the borders will certainly include you soon. Maybe they need to take a vote or something. You’re certainly in the same colour scheme as the rest of MK – and unlike Newport. So as far as I’m concerned you is official. Which brings us up to 127 estates, I think. Cripey!

And although you are not yet within the boundaries, welcome too to Fairfields – the first square marked in a whole new expanse to the west. I wonder what dreams you may yet hold for us.

Oh, and extremely observant long time readers will be relieved no doubt to hear that it is Official. That whole bit is called Oxley Park. Phew. Rest easy now. Forget yer Whitney.

* well, have next to me while I type at least. Picky.

Accentuate The Positive - Tue Sep 13

2011-09-13T15:24:00.003+01:00

I wish I had an accent.

In so many aspects of my life, I exist in a kind of bland hinterland between actual identities: too effete, elitist and comfortable to be working class; too debt-ridden, scruffy and socially retarded to be truly middle class. Too well-read to be a philistine; but lacking the mental capacity to be a proper member of the intelligentsia. Too fey and poetical to be stereotypically English; too English to be anything else. And lacking an accent, too.

Accents are cool. Even the ones that sound stupid. (tries my best to avoid the gaze of Birmingham). Accents are an identity, a badge of belonging. Not to mention they sound beautiful when people sing in them. Me & Grahame were discussing this the other day – he’s not a fan of vocalists with accents, pretty much all my favourite singers have ‘em. The Mackem lasses from Kenickie. The confusing Cocknee / Brummie hybrid with which Mike Skinner performs. The earnest West Yorks brogue of Justin Sullivan from New Model Army.

The two times I’ve lived outside Milton Keynes for any length of time, I’ve picked up the accent quickly – as if to fill the blank canvas. When I came back from University, I had enough of a Cheshire twang that Simon accused me of having ‘turned into Liam Gallagher’. And if you were to listen to the tapes of me & Mark reading poems on Radio Derby for National Poetry Day 1997, you’d be hard pushed to identify which of us was the true native. It’s bizarre! From both of these sojourns in the North & East Midlands I still retain the short ‘a’ pronunciation to this day (bath not baaath, path not paaath) – the only trace of accent I still have.

People from more distant parts of the country say “well, you just sound like you’re from around London”. But of course people who are from London can tell that we’re not. I’m too posh to have sunk into Estuary like many of my peers. At school I had a flavour of the original Buckinghamshire accent, having grown up in Wolverton - oiright m’duck? When I was sixteen someone asked me if I was from Cornwall. And every once in a while I can still just about hear the echoes of that accent. But generally I just have a watery Radio 4 diction, occasionally slipping into faux-Cockernee if I’m swearing or talking to a taxi driver. I’m neither nowt nor summat.

If I could pick any accent in the world to have, what accent would I pick? Well, I do have a soft spot for the accent of my Dad’s family and forebears: Durham, Middlesbrough… the gentler accent somewhere south of Geordie. At University I instinctively warmed to the young ladies who came from that region. Ahem. And there’s a kind of poetry in the voices of the Welsh and Southern Irish which I dig. They got soul.

I’m aware of course that this whole issue – which admittedly only really occurred to me this morning walking across the road bridge by Simpson! – is more to do with identity than accent. As I’ve theorised before, Milton Keynes itself is one of these bland hinterlands too, like me – neither London nor Birmingham; the South nor the Midlands; a town nor a city. There are very few natives and very many new arrivals. And the identity, like the culture, is not an instant fix. I guess we’ll have to wait.

Or am I just immune to it? Do I have an accent and just not hear it? Answers on a Comments field to this address please…

[ - ]

2011-09-06T13:47:00.001+01:00

To my mind, the greatest ever run of academic journal covers was “Educational Researcher” in the 1970s. By the time the 80s rolled around they’d lost the plot, resorting to unimaginative shots of university campuses and increasingly desperate promotion of their Annual Meetings, but throughout their 70s heyday every issue was an abstract masterpiece – ambiguous but thought-provoking. A diamond of variety amongst an unremittingly dull genre.

On the other hand, there’s something unflinchingly reassuring about the stubbornness with which the “International Journal Of General Systems” didn’t change their cover design at all between 1974 and 2004. So who knows?

* * * * *

Two items of news from my regular MK-related Google Alerts the other day. One is that the almost completed National Rail Centre has been officially named, and will be known as “Quadrant:MK”. Seems to fit the general zeitgeist of calling things “X:MK”.

But in news which I (at least) find more baffling, the Tescos at Bletchley has announced the opening of a new ‘drive through supermarket shopping experience’!

According to a Tesco’s spokesperson: “the idea behind the new facility is to help busy customers who want their shopping picked and packed for them but who don’t have the time to wait at home for delivery.”

You know what? I think it’s possible to be too busy. Maybe these people should be looking long and hard at their lives and what has happened to them.

Pineham Again - Mon Sep 29

2011-08-29T15:01:00.010+01:00

It’s a cloudy August Bank Holiday Monday, so what better way to spend the afternoon than with a walk to Milton Keynes’ very own sewage works? Here’s some things I saw on my walk to and back from Pineham…

It’s a windy day at Willen Lake, and though the skies are grey it’s actually pretty busy as parents at a loss for things to do take their young families to run around. I walk impatiently past, listening to The Cure.

The quality of ‘street art’ in MK just gets better and better, and never fails to lift my spirits. This from under the bridge which splits the north and south halves of the lake, by somebody called Hek or Heks.

This is as close as you can actually get to the sewage works as a pedestrian. For some reason. Pineham is one of the least rewarding estates to tick off my list.

Part of the floodgate drainage system at the NE end of Willen Lake, on which I also discovered this graffiti:

A laudable sentiment with which I largely concur. Though I do wonder whether they bought the pen to write this in a shop?

And then the Cathedral of Trees on the way back. It’s starting to feel like Autumn already, but hopefully we’ll have another Indian Summer like the last few years have brought.